A deeper look into your "thoughts"

My friend Crystal asked me to explain what “dark thoughts” I referred to when I said “Although I always knew this was referring to thoughts, for example, to not cross out a complete, or part of a, thought because you thought it was ugly, or something indignant, or maybe something you just didn’t want to ever think you would come to think of. To not cross out what you may consider ‘dark thoughts.’” 

By “dark thoughts” I really meant to say things that make you question who you are, things that make you wonder why you live, things that make you question the system you live in, the different causes and effects that surround you.  Basically, you will discover that these inquiries, these thoughts, are what will define you as a person. I learned that I was the only one who could really answer all my doubts with what my goals and my values in life are, what I have accepted to be true, what I think is right, and how I make justice of the things that surround me. (Note: “what I have accepted;” I got to a point where I needed to choose and convince myself that a number of things had to be a certain way, and that these things have and will always continue to work in the same manner forever.)

Writing ones “dark thoughts” on paper can really help you see some internal conflicts you may have in your life.  My first experiences writing my thoughts were kind of scary.   Having been in a very demanding high school and doing my very best to keep up with everything I was doing, and trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I finished there, I found myself writing my thoughts very often.  The first things I realized about my life was that religion wasn’t something relevant to me.  I never found a time where it really helped; I always, and still do, see Jesus as a great role model. Being humble and serving without prejudice is a very gratifying way of living.  I compared my level of happiness whenever I would help people versus the times I thought of helping and I didn’t.  I saw it as a challenge for making myself noticed, and contributing to the world by sharing a moment with another person.  

My high school was a Marianist Catholic high school.  Every morning we would do prayer and in the afternoon.  Every month we’d had to attend to mass in the auditorium.  I got to the point where I lost interest because for some reason I would always get really sleepy.  So I decided to lose interest in religion and write on paper. I would listen to the sermon and the reading before it, but other than that, I considered everything else stories.   I would write ideas and words I would catch from the readings. I would always find ways to see the ideas in my everyday life.

Early on I learned that my main goal in life is to be happy.  It was a challenge to find the connection with everything I was doing, and making out how every particular thing would be of use in my future. I got to the point where I was at peace and did not question things; I took things for what they were, looking for solutions and not making problems. I defined my happiness with the pursuit of knowledge and being able to put it all to good use to help others.

I also learned to understand myself a lot better.  I read segments of book called The Secret.  Out of laziness, I asked a friend what it was about and read more about it on the internet.  It talks about the forces of the universe, and how they act in our everyday life.  The book mentions a few ways to make things that you want to happen really happen.  It really worked. But after waiting for many things that didn’t come, I concluded that this was all to say you make your own luck. One has many opportunities to have everything they want in life. 

For me, I wanted to stop clashing with what I felt life, or society, was asking me to be.  I felt so overwhelmed because I saw myself as the star child in my family, the one that would go farther than my other siblings.  I really did overestimate myself a lot. And writing my thoughts helped me put my feet on the ground.

I guess this is all just to say that writing helped me a lot. My “dark thoughts” were mostly thoughts of being superior to others. I very well defined what my values were, and how I sought to implement them. To think I was capable of doing everything, including crushing some people and having them suffer (not big time things, but say not helping someone understand a subject).  Something this simple made me feel so powerful, and it got to the point that it really scared me. I never thought of being someone that hurt others.

I understood very, very quickly I wasn’t a good poet, although I could see the messages in what I wrote.  It was clear that I wanted a way out from everything; the daily routine, school work, responsibilities, and growing up. I wanted to just give up at one point because I couldn’t keep up with things, I was too busy try understanding things.

When I wrote, my thoughts and ideas were mostly of me being better than others. Little by little I started questioning myself and at the same time answering those same questions.  As dark as a thought you may have, I found a way to understand it.  Writing is a pleasant way to getting to know yourself better.

To directly answer Crystal’s doubt about what I referred to as “dark thoughts,” they were questions I had about life.  As I said, these personal questions about purpose in life and about understanding oneself can only be answered through time, and maybe a little dedication, giving yourself time to reflect on yourself.  Maybe another book that helped me with understanding a lot of things was The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck.  I read this book for my Ethics class, and I really saw many things that I was doing right. By doing things right, I mean to say that I had a kind of harmony in my life.  The same way a harmonious piece of Beethoven or Bach is in accordance, each note follows the other, and the notes end up making a memorable experience for the listener.

Here is a link on a video of an interview of the author of The Secret:
--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qwZMVe2WVY

Here is a link for an audio of the book The Road Less Traveled: (in the first minutes of the audio the author talks about how he came to writing his book and what he hopes of it.
--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBbJU4uPDeQ